Ah, and now you will die....

...Mr. Miller.

So I'm a bit dramatic some days, it is part of my charm (well if you count charm as a sort of neurosis of the mind that takes a scorpio's innability to trust to levels deemed 'unhealthy'). After a long day of texturing a ceiling with mud and a paint brush, then working on several doors, I am more than ready for a simple dinner (at 10pm at night...my diet SUCKS some days). Good thing I thought ahead and have some rice pre-cooked in the refrigerator.

Almost Vegetarian Fried Rice (nothing against vegetarians, but I like huevos in my fried rice)

Tools:

Skillet (I love my non-stick for this)

Spatula

Cutting Board

Knife

Ingredients:

1.5 cups of precooked and cooled rice

1 small onion, chopped

1 cup of bean sprouts (also known as mung bean sprouts)

1 cup of shredded cabbage (I am LAZY and get a cheap per-shredded coleslaw mix from my local supermarket that has cabbage and carrots in it. And go for the cheap stuff, it isn't like the cabbage is any more special between the more expensive and cheaper bags.)

2 large eggs

2-3 tbs of Kung Pow Sauce (I kinda eyeball this)

2-3 tbs red pepper flakes (Because I use exact measurements with things to make my food spicy (notice the sarcasm?) Use as little and much as you would like.)

5-8 oz of white mushrooms, chopped

veggie or corn oil (I don't like to use olive oil when I make faux-chinese, it leaves a strange flavor)

Throwing it together:

Put the skillet on the stove with a small bit of oil on the bottom of the pan. I loath oily fried rice, so only put just enough oil on the bottom of the pan so there is lubrication for the non-stick coating. Crank that burner up to medium and let it get warm. While that is heating up slowly, chop the onion and mushrooms up into smaller bits and set aside. Take the rice from the night before and chop it up a bit with your spatula in it's storage container, you don't want to get huge clumps of rice in the pan and have to play the chopping game while not splattering yourself with hot oil. No one wins when you play with hot oil as a diversionary game.

After the pan gets warm, pout in the rice so it covers the bottom of the pan. Don't worry if some of the rice pops out of the pan due to the oil, just turn down the heat slightly because the pan might be to warm. After adding the rice, count to ten before adding the chopped onions on top of the rice, followed by the red peppers, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and cabbage/carrot mix. Make a pretty mound of food in the skillet and just sit back and watch for 5-10 minutes.

What's going on is that you are heating the foods that take longer to cook on higher heat than the more delicate foods that take less time to cook. When you get a wonderful roasting smell, turn the mixture over in the pan, mixing together the ingredients, a chaotic mix of veggies. From this point, I tend to brown the stir fry so the bottom of the pan gets a wonderful browning going on, then I add the Kung Pow sauce on top and mix everything together. The sauce will spread out and give a rich flavor to the fried rice as it browns and caramelizes in the dish. Continue frying the food for ten more minutes, constantly turning this dish so the sauce doesn't burn on the pan.

After this is all done, pour the fried rice into a serving dish and return the pan to heat with a bit more oil in the pan. Have you ever wondered how restaurants make the eggs in fried rice so fluffy? Well the trick is to not cook the eggs with the rice in the first place, fry them afterward and fold them into the finished dish.

Crack both eggs into the pan with the hot oil and start moved them around with the spatula. Make sure they are constantly moving. You're essentially scrambling the eggs and adding air to them as they constantly move. When 95% cooked all the way, pout them into the fried rice, they will finish cooking in the dish. Look! You made fried rice!

Tips: Watch your heat, although you see restaurants cooking fried rice at insane temps, you a) probably can't get the pan that hot, and b) don't have the years of experience to cook the fried rice like they do. Suck it up that you aren't an expert and take it slow, I've tried for years to develop the technique and honestly I've yet to get it. So utilize the KISS! theory (Keep it Simple, Stupid!) and take your time.

You can add meat to this dish, but I'm usually happy with it being almost vegetarian, but that is my choice. If you are going to do meat, cook the meat first and then finish the dish.

Well even if this article is later than I intended (Oi! I like sleep too!), it's done just in time for me to plan my next meal. Until then. Bien Camino!