Disaster, zombies eating my brain, and Camino dreams.

I would like to send my best wishes to those on the East Coast and Caribbean recovering from the storms last week. I was planning to be in NYC last week, although those plans quickly changed when the storm came roaring up from the Caribbean. I wish for the speedy recovery for everyone involved.

There are things you'll never see from the main road of life.

Flaming Viking Ships of DOOM!

"I swear officer, it isn't what you think it is!"

Oi! What am I thinking about not posting for several weeks! I can't believe it's been this long! Alright, I guess I can believe it's been this long, it has been in obscene couple of weeks for the sarcastically inclined among us. First off I'm still elbow deep in repairing the damage from the burst pipe in the wall. If you've ever worked with drywall, you know two things strait off the bat: 1) no matter how hard you work to keep the drywall dust from spreading, it WILL invest every orifice, and 2) walking into the coffee shop with white powder on your nose makes the cops VERY suspicious to what you've been sticking your nose into.

"Yes, I'd like a little off the top. . .wait, you aren't my normal barber!"

Granted, if my fun stopped there you'd all be concerned. Oh no, we can't just end the week with repairs yet to be completed, we need to add more fun into the mix. Like my car deciding to commit seppuku via transmission while going 70 mph. NOT a fun way to spend my Sunday afternoon when you show up 3.5 hour late to a dinner with family from out of town.


Even less fun when you can't run away and you can't piss anyone off by being truthful.

Well it wouldn't have been so bad with the Grey Devil (my lovely '92 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra SL), if it was only the hose we thought had just rotted through. Unfortunately as the mechanic explained to me, what was left of the dust that my transmission became could have fit into the low cut socks I was wearing that day. It was trashed. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars!

Seriously, there was going to be no collection of money unless I shelled out $1,900 for a new transmission  which wasn't going to happen on a twenty year old car, no matter how much I loved driving nearly a ton worth of steel.

I call BS that I couldn't give my car the funeral it deserved.
I also call shenanigans that I didn't get to do this to people
who deserve it.

So with a sad heart I had to give my car a final farewell. UNFORTUNATELY my family didn't like the idea of giving the Grey Devil a viking funeral. I was only going to load it onto my parents' old speed boat, the Titanic II, tie up my enemies, douse it in fuel, push it into the nearby pond in the farm field behind my parents' home, light it up with a road flare, and sit on shore drinking beers. But NOOOOOO, I'm not allowed to play with that much fire.

Or burn my parents' boat.

And they didn't want to know why I had a list. . .

Or why I had a viking helmet at home.

But that's beyond the point! That, and like the fez, cheesy viking helmets are cool! By Thor, cheesy viking helmets are the next fashion accessory must have of the fall season! You don't like how someone is looking at your arse? Well impale them on your helm!

With that said, I'm several weeks behind on a slew of projects, including sleep and editing the newest book. Did I mention after I broke down I was stuck at mi mama y papa's casa? Oh yes, yes I was. Without any of my research, files, etc. Heck, I had to break down and buy new clothing, medication, and bathroom supplies since I was well over a hundred miles away from my home. I might enjoy hiking for weeks on end with a backpack, but that's a planned level of grunge that I expected to live with, not the trapped in suburbia/country without even a pair of clean socks.

Well I am a proud owner of a 2005 Malibu which I've lovingly named Barbie, made it back home, and all in all wonder how the hell I'm going to get back on track after all of this fun! Oh wait, by not sleeping!

Ok, and the real reason most of you show up, food time. Well since I was gone for so long I haven't gotten to play with many recipes, so I'm going to go back to a time honored recipe that EVERYONE should know how to make on these chilly Autumn days.

Ham and Bean Soup

Tools:
4-5 Quart Slowcooker
Spoon
Measuring Cup
Knife and Cutting Board

Ingredients:
1 lb bag of dried navy beans
1 lb of diced up ham or 1.5 lbs of smoked ham hocks.
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon salt
Water

1 large onion, diced
3 stalks of celery, diced
3 carrots, diced
-or-
10 ounce bag of pre-cut, frozen mireqoix

As a classic Autumn dish, you can't get much better than a classic pot of slow cooked ham and bean soup. I'll make this soup the evening before I want it, and then before I leave for work the next morning I'll turn the crockpot onto low, and leave it alone all day long.

How easy is this dish? Take all of the ingredients, and put them into the pot. Add water until about an inch from the top of the crockpot. Cover, and leave it alone. That's it! The most complicated part of this entire meal is making the cornbread (which I consider essential to any bowl of ham and bean soup), and I honestly just make it from a box of instant mix. You can also top the soup with a variety of ingredients, including diced onions, oyster crackers, and hot sauce; those are the most common toppings from my experience, although I'm sure every family has their own variation.

Well I've played long enough online, I should get back to work. Until next time!

Bien Camino!

First Drafts and Granny Style Veggie Soup

The sequel to this fantastic novel is almost done.
Also you can buy this one on Amazon. . . ;-)

Well the good news is that nearly 10,000 words later I've finished the first draft of The Diary's Zombie. Bad news is that I've already erased two and a half chapters because I'm a cranky diva author who wasn't happy with what he wrote. But technically, the first draft is done and I'm to the hard work of editing my new novel!

Chili!

The weather doesn't look like this anymore.
And Indiana doesn't look like this either. . .
but that's beyond the point.

If you are just waking up and looking outside, you realize that there might be something different about North America right now: we have descended into that period of time known as Autumn. This of course means fantastic rain showers, changing of the leaves, and me complaining that I'll never feel warm again (which only gets worse when the winter kicks in, but lets face it, I've abused my body so much that it doesn't know what the heck is going on anymore). It's the time for video games. It's the time for memories. But at the bare minimum it's time for chili.

Autumn Winds

You see this desert landscape in Egypt? I like it! Why?
Because it's warm!!!
(And I guess I should tell you this is Tel el Armarna)

Autumn has finally come, the brisk winds, the slightly chilly days, the fact that even with wool socks my toes feel cold. I'm so not ready for this after a summer of glorious heat! The only thing that makes this time of year somewhat bearable for myself is the excuse to make my favorite Autumn foods: my homemade chili, baked potatoes dishes galore, hearty soups and stews, and most importantly, one pot meals.

Ego

How many statues of Ramesses does he have?

Growing up we could say I had a bit of an ego problem (or as I pointed out, 9 times out of 10 it was caused by a combination of being a Scorpio and descended from Irish and German ancestry). But my ego has nothing in comparison with one of my favorite egomaniacs from history, Ramesses II. Talk about EGO! The man not only had huge statues built of himself throughout Egypt, but he also stole the statues his father had made, and then had them renamed with his name on them!

I have no ego problem. Not compared to this guy! 

So as I continue writing about my Zombie in the newest book, I'll leave you some of the images of my favorite egomaniac from the few times I've been to Egypt.

Pumping Iron

Wrong kind of iron. . . .
(I blame Wikipedia for this!)

Yesterday, as I was catching up from a weekend that can be best called "busy," I was asked by one of the fantastic barristas at my local coffee shop about low meat or meatless meals which can help her get more iron into her diet. Thinking about it, I realized I had a few ideas, but needed more information. So when in doubt, go attack the local library!

Eggplant!

"Fear me! No, fear me! Quit laughing! I hate you all!"

No, this isn't a fond remembrance of the classic NES game Kid Icarus, this is a discussion on a vastly under appreciated veggie that's been pushed onto us by many overanxious cooks who had no idea how to properly cook this interesting plant. It's purple exterior taunts many nightmares of school aged children who can't understand why something that color doesn't taste more like grapes, and adults who look on eggplant with fuzzy memories from childhood of this strange plant.

In the words of many of us who played Kid Icarus and were cursed by the Eggplant Wizard right before the end of the game, "what do you mean we have to go back to the beginning of the game to get cured?!"

Catch up part two of "Planet of the Pulled Pork Recipes"

Or you can eat your sandwich while sitting on the Thames,
making all the tourists jealous in London.  

Well if you didn't catch the previous post, this was supposed to be Wens post, which has now been edited to give you the only thing any of us need: more pork tastiness!

Catch up-part one of "Planet of the Pulled Pork Recipes"

"What do you mean the auto scheduler didn't upload the posts?!"

Alright, so I've been busy, which happens, but it is frustrating when you auto-set technology to post something on a particular date and it doesn't do it.

Damn you technology! You destroyed us all!

Labor Day weekend = new season of Dr. Who and slow cooked pulled pork!

This weekend I am channeling my inner geek as the rainy remnants of Hurricane Irene have made their way north to parched Indiana. In preparation for this fantastic weekend (well now that I'm free again from a wide variety of responsibilities for the week), I made myself some slow cooked pulled pork in my slow cooker as I prepare for the new season of Dr. Who on BBCA. If you don't know what Dr. Who is, I'm sorry that you were so neglected in your childhood and you can find all the modern seasons on Netflicks.

WATCH THEM!!!!

Hummus and Jack.

Who says I never take you to interesting places? Well in this instance this photo was taken in Cardiff back in 2008 as I was knocking around Europe for a bit. And right now I can imagine many Dr. Who/Torchwood fans squee-ing realizing where I might have been.

Gencon! (a double recipe day with soup and croutons!)

The kilt is strong in this one. . .

I'm back from one of the most exhausting weeks of gaming I do all year, Gencon. For those of you in the reading audience who don't know what Gencon is, this is the largest roleplaying conference in the United States held in Indianapolis during August. During this time, gamers of all stripes come together to enjoy four days of new games, ideas, visiting friends, family, and everything else you can imagine. For the last several years, I have been a gamemaster for my favorite living campaign setting, Legend of the Shining Jewel, meeting new friends left and right as I run various games with new groups of players.

Salsa!!!!!!!

Does it look like I'm going to dance?
I'm eating one of the best burgers in the world
on the border of Portugal and Spain right now!!!!

No, I don't dance, I am prohibited from dancing according to the international community because it would be a sin against nature. With that said, I do love a FANTASTIC salsa, which is very easy to make if you have a little bit of time and gumption to play with a sharp knife. The best part is you can use ANYTHING in the summer to make salsa, although I am a fan of a pepper/tomato based salsa personally.

Cold Blooded

Oh, Egypt, I'm so much warmer there! 

Yes, I am a cold blooded creature, I love my hot summer days around the world. Snow is a plague upon mankind and I can't wait until it's warm again to run outside like a maniac. So when I get days like this when I'm shivering outside of the coffee shop, wearing a sweatshirt, and realizing it's in the upper seventies, I'm cranky.

Well it doesn't hurt I'm only 2/3rds the man I used to be after my first Camino.

Never-ever trap the Doctor. . .

A cove I swam in when in Turkey.

. . .it always ends poorly. The same can be said of me, even if my being trapped was caused by my classic car (aka, the 93' Olds) decided to lose it's muffler leaving Indianapolis on Monday due to unforeseen circumstances (not wanting to crash said piece of steel with wheels into the rear-end of an idiot who pulled out about twenty feet in front of me while I was going the limit of sixty MPG-100kph for the rest of the world that uses decent units of measurement). So needless to say my GRAND plan of three posts this week got scaled back to the two this week.

And one last Hoozah.

Expressing emotions doesn't come easy to me. I've lived one of those lives where you are taught not to be sad or fearful about death, but to celebrate living life to it's fullest. It doesn't mean that I (and several thousand of his old students) don't miss the Old Man, but Gordy would have been pissed if we don't get to living life to its fullest. With that said, I'll leave us with two things today: the speech I gave at his memorial service, and a tidbit of knowledge that I've learned down the years.

Beverages of Choice

Let's face it, the Old Man and his best friend (Alan who also passed away at the end of last year) were fantastically horrible influences as far as most professional bureaucrats and officials are concerned. Gordy did the single most dangerous thing that any educator could do: he taught his students to think for themselves. In that regard he was also interested in educating his students to have a great time while learning about different cultures overseas, realizing that humanity has far more in common with each other than differences.

With that said, the man was also a fan of a good stiff drink now and again, and his preferred adult beverage of choice was a good gin and tonic. This recipe was taught to me on my first trip to Egypt with both Gordy and Alan, and became a staple of success for every successful visit overseas.

Gin and Tonic (for the grown-ups in the crowd!)

Tools:
A liver to abuse.
A highball glass of choice.
An old school river cruise ship floating down the Nile.

Ingredients:
2 parts gin
3 parts tonic
1 ice cube per part gin.
A thick slice of lime.

As you can see the drink itself is highly malleable depending on the size of the glass you can get a hold of, but the basic principles remain the same. Add together, stir lightly with a finger, suck finger dry, and drink while floating down the Nile on a eighty year old cruise ship.

Bien Camino!

Fondest Memories

In the last ten days I have lost one of my fondest mentors, Dr Gordon Young, professor emeritus of history from Purdue University. Gordy began as my teacher back in my undergraduate days, but took on a more important role in my life as I grew as an academic: becoming both a mentor, but more importantly, one of my best friends. He dragged me to and from Egypt multiple times, and honored me on his last trip overseas by making me the Assistant Leader for that trip. I, and tens of thousands, of former students are saddened by the loss of this great man to brought us into his family.

Classic me!

Turkey. The food. The people. The culture. The fact I hadn't gotten my stomach of iron yet!

Seriously, I did have a lot of fun when I was in Turkey more than a decade ago, and I learned a lot from my first international travels. These are images of Roman castle's scaled while I was a budding archaeologist. You can even date the photos by the fact that they aren't digital and they have those silly dates added to the bottom of the photo. Oh, I dated myself. . .I need to drink a few more gallons of coffee to wash my sadness away. 

Really, no sleeves? <head-desk>

 

My mother would kill me if she saw the cliff behind me.

 Bien Camino! 

Holy crap I've jumped off the deep end!

Where has the month gone since I published the last ebook? (for those of you who don't know, I'll be a self promoting twat and hit the link for The Zombie's Diary here.) Alright, so I might be 83 pages into the new book. . .don't judge me! That and I did do a good four days near Chicago-land last week, and been banned from grilling due to excessive drought for the last month, so many of my wonderful summer foods are going to waste. Which is a damn shame since I have a lot of fantastic summer foods I wanted to try grilling this summer as I developed new ideas. 

But since I can't do a good summer meal, I'll do a four ingredient soup which will help keep you hydrated and full on these hot summer days.

Four Ingredient Soup (for the lazy man)

Tools:

Cutting Board

Pot with lid

Knife

Spoon for stirring

Ingredients:

1 quart of light chicken stock 

1 piece of ginger about the size of the end of your thumb

2 cups of frozen veggie soup mix (carrots, onion, celery, taters, etc.)

1/4 cup of lentils

Alright, this is one of my easier summer soups cooking in about 20-30 minutes (or all day if you decide to pop it into a crock pot, I'd just double the recipe). Pour the stock, veggies, and lentils into the pot and turn the heat to medium (don't cover yet). Take the ginger and you'll want to slice off the outer brown skin of the garlic. This is incredibly bitter/foul tasting, so it wouldn't be any good. Now slice the ginger as thin as possible, you don't want huge chunks of ginger floating in your soup, but you do want the flavor to mingle throughout. Add the sliced ginger to the pot, stir, cover the pot with the lid, and lower the heat to low. In about 20-30 minutes the lentils will be cooked through giving you an awesome source of protein and fiber. 

This is one of my favorite summer soups because it gives me the things I know I need for playing outside: liquid, salts, protein, and fiber, which really help your body cope with increased temperatures. This soup is paired nicely with some sliced bread or even better, day old crusty garlic bread. 

Anyways, stay cool my friends, and until later: Bien Camino! 

The Zombie's Diary

The Zombie's Diary is now live!!!! Help support your favorite author, buy my book today! I like to buy food so I can write more articles!

Sin and Debauchery. . .

. . .will keep you looking young. Alright, not really, but they are really fun together. Anyways, tossing up a quick butter based pasta sauce that's perfect for this summer heat. Nothing very hard as my computer runs the conversion program for my next book.

Pasta Butter Sauce:


Tools:
Cutting Board
Knife
Skillet
Heat Resistant Spoon

Ingredients:
Whatever pasta you want to use (about 2 cups cooked and drained)
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon dried Italian seasoning (I like the Aldi's brand a lot)
Pepper to taste
1 small onion, sliced thin
1 clove of garlic, diced

Get the pan up to medium heat and add the butter and oil. Once the butter has melted, add in the onion and garlic, stirring until the onions are heated up, about three minutes if you added them to the hot oil/butter. Add the seasoning, and let cook an additional minute before adding the drained pasta. Flip the pasta until it's coated in the butter sauce.

Well the book is done with the current formatting, have a fantastic day!

Bien Camino!

Some of the old recipes are the best!

I was going through my file of old recipes I got from Granny Miller a long time ago, I found a classic recipe I hadn't done in forever, German Potato Salad. Granted, there's a thousand German Potato Salad recipes on the web, it's fantastic when I can go back to the one which I loved as a kid when being babysat.

Granny M's German Potato Salad


Tools:
Large Pot to boil potatoes in.
A VERY Large Skillet for the Bacon and to construct the salad. (and a lid helps as well to keep the messes down)
Strainer for the taters.
A large bowl (with lid) that you can put all the ingredients into.
Cutting Board.
Knife.
A heavy duty mixing spoon.
Measuring Cups

Ingredients:
6 cups of red potatoes, cut into 1 inch cubes.
1 lb of bacon (cut into small chunks, about an inch long, and none of this sugar cured crap either)
1 large yellow onion, diced
2 tablespoons parsley
1/2 cup of white vinegar
6 tablespoons of white sugar
4 tablespoons of water
2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon of ground black pepper
1 tablespoon celery seeds.

Alright, first thing you should know, this isn't one of those weight watching potato salads, we are going for FLAVOR, which means a decent bacon is a must for the dish.

First, dice up the potatoes to the appropriate size, I leave the skin on because I like the texture. I tend to chop potatoes like this with my 2 cup measuring cup next to my cutting board. As I chop the taters, I'll add them to the measuring cup until it's past the two cup line. This isn't exact or an art form, but a useful approximation for how many potatoes = a cup. If I have to guess looking at how many lbs of potatoes I use with what's left in the 5 lb bags of taters I buy, I usually use about 3 lbs.

Add the potatoes to the tater pot and fill it up to just above the potatoes. Your mother might fill a large pot with water to the very top, but you don't need to waste both time and heat trying to boil extra water that won't cook your taters any better than just adding water to the potato line. Turn the heat onto high and let it boil ten minutes after the water comes to a rapid boil (or to the point you can stick a fork easily into the potatoes). Drain in the sink once they are done.

In the large skillet, cook the bacon on medium heat to help render out all the tasty bacon grease. Cook the bacon until it's crisp, and then pull it out of the pan and place it into your large serving bowl. (A trick to help the bacon cook faster is add a tablespoon of oil to the hot pan before you add the bacon, it will help the bacon to keep from sticking and to promote the bacon to give up its tasty flavoring.)

Add the diced onion into the bacon grease and cook on medium heat until the onions start to brown. This will take at least ten minutes, more if the pan is uncovered. Do NOT cook on higher heat! Burning the onions or the oil is very bad and will lead to a very disappointing potato salad. (If you do burn the grease or onions, just make mashed potatoes instead and get rid of the grease and onion. You won't like the flavor.) Continually mix the onions as they cook.

Once the onions are browned, which should be about the time the taters have been sitting in the sink draining out, add the sugar, salt, vinegar, and water to the pan, stirring the entire time. Keep stirring until the sugar melts in the bacon grease/liquids. Add the celery seed, pepper, bacon, and parsley to the pan right before adding the potatoes.

The trick now for the next minute is gently turning the potatoes over in the pan, coating all the potatoes in this wonderful bacon dressing that you've made. Once the potatoes are coated in the dressing, transfer them to their final serving dish.

This, my friends, is how you make potato salad. This salad is fantastic both warm and cold (although I think its the best warm) you can let this salad speak for itself. And really, what dish isn't awesome when it involves a pound of bacon?

Bien Camino!

Tis' the season for hotdogs!

Well I'm finally done with the second edit of my book and have only added 25 pages. A word to the wise, adding pages during the editing process isn't exactly the goal you should have when preparing anything for publication, let alone a first-person jaunt through the mind of a time-traveling zombie. But it is done and I'm now mentally preparing myself for the third and final edit before upload to Amazon. 

In other news, this last weekend's potluck was fantastic thanks to my Granny, who graciously gave me a three pound package of Honeywell hotdogs for pulling weeds last Friday. We grilled those suckers up and ate far too many hotdogs each. 

Something about grilling hotdogs just makes them taste fantastic. I'm a fan of good dirty-water dogs, but grilling is the far superior method to prepare these childhood classics. Along with the dogs we had the standard assortment of chili sauce (Skyline), shredded cheese (I didn't eat it), homemade dill relish my granny sent me home with, mustard, ketchup, and a fantastic pickle that I made for the dogs: onion and pepper pickles. This relish goes VERY well with mustard and is perfect compliment to a fully loaded hotdog. 

Onion and Pepper Relish

Tools:

Cutting board.

Knife.

Quart jar with a tight fitting lid (I still use canning jars for this)

Ingredients:

2 Large Yellow Onions, diced finely

1 Large Mature (red) Anaheim Pepper or a red bell pepper, diced finely.

2 dried Pasilla Peppers (for heat).

2 tablespoons salt

1 tablespoon sugar

3 tablespoons white vinegar

Dice the onions and the Anaheim peppers into small chunks, something that will be easy to load into a hotdog bun. Place the two dried Pasilla Peppers into the jar and pour the vinegar onto them. Mix the onions and Anaheim peppers together and add into the jar. Top with the sugar and salt, seal the jar, and shake it vigorously. Place it on the counter top overnight, shaking occasionally, so all of the flavors can mingle together. Then store it in the refrigerator for later. 

Variants of this dish can be made with red and white onions, but I'd avoid an overly sweet onion if you are making this dish. Likewise you can make the pickle a LOT spicier if you chop up a habenaro and add it to the bottom of the jar instead of the dried Pasilla Peppers.

Well with that done I should consider biking home, I have a belly full of coffee and a hankering for that jar of pickles waiting for me in my fridge. Until next time!

Bien Camino! 

“I'm not drunk, I'm pleasurably inebriated so I don't say anything stupid.”

Seriously, I'm not that big of a lush. And I'm drinking my daily dose of coffee intravenously. Oh, glorious coffee. Hmmm....

Well past that moment which my doctor/mother/healthcare provider would question my addiction level (I'm not addicted, I don't go to meetings) today was the first day since the accident which I rode my bike. I'm a bit tender, but I took it easy and made sure I didn't do anything incredibly stupid (no more than usual) (and my doctor was kinda pissed at my definition of short compared to his definition of short). Of course this means my short bike ride to the coffee-shop was a bit slower than usual, but still a fantastic day for such an excursion.

Several weeks ago while I was still gimping around the house with a cane I had an overwhelming urge for kosheri, but I wanted to determine if I could make the sauce in a slow cooker. By the drool currently running down my chin thinking about the sauce, I know I was more than successful, I think I actually improved upon the recipe. If you don't know what kosheri is from one of my earliest blog entries, it Egyptian soul food: a starch fest including rice, pasta, chickpeas, lentils, vermicelli, fried onions, and chili oil all covered in a slow cooked tomato sauce. This stick to your ribs dish is perfect to make when you have to feed a lot of people on the cheap, guaranteed to fill any teenager in two bowls.

Slow Cooker Kosheri Sauce


Tools:
Small slow cooker
Cutting Board
Knife
Potato Masher
Slotted Spoon that won't ruin your slow cooker.

Ingredients:
1 large onion and 1 small onion, diced.
1 head of garlic, roughly chopped.
1/2 cup of good olive oil (I'm a fan of Spanish Olive Oil)
4 8 ounce cans of cheap tomato sauce (By cheap, I mean the supermarket plain label brand that has no extra flavors added in, like spices or other veggies. You want this sauce as plain as possible to absorb the awesome flavors you are creating. I use the Kroger white label brand of tomato sauce.)
2 8 ounce cans of water (I fill all four cans to the halfway point and slosh it around to get all the tomato sauce out)
4 heaping tablespoons of cumin (If you have a fantastic Middle Eastern grocery nearby, get your cumin from them! Seriously, It'll be about the same price but a million times better flavor!)
1 tablespoon of parsley.

Before you even get started, I need to point out this is a 48 hour recipe in the slow cooker, you can't rush this for it to be perfect. And the best part of this recipe is that your house will smell FANTASTIC the entire time you cook it.

Get the slow cooker out, plug it in, and set it to "low." Chop the onion and garlic up and add it to the slow cooker. Pour the olive oil over the veggies, then close the lid. Now walk away for 24 hours. And I'm not insane, this is how long you will want to do this! Right now what you're doing is caramelizing the onions and garlic in the slow cooker, releasing all the natural juices. In about an hour you will start to drool as your home fills with one of the most holy smells in all of creation. The urge to toast some bread and smother the garlic/onions on it will be tempting, but resist! RESIST!!!!!

Alright, every 6-10 hours go visit your slow cooker with that spoon and mix everything. What you are aiming for is a brown coloring in the onions and garlic as they slowly dissolve into tastiness. If your slow cooker is cooking it too fast, feel free to turn it off every so often, you do NOT want to burn the onions and garlic, it will leave a horrible bitter flavor in your sauce that no one will enjoy.

After it has cooked for 24 hours, get out your potato masher and genitally smash the onion and garlic into a mash. You don't have to press hard, and you'll barely have to press at all to turn the garlic/onion into a liquid.

Pour in all the tomato sauce, cumin, and parsley into the slow cooker. Add water to each can to help you get the last of the tomato sauce out of them, and then rinse the potato masher off with the water, into the crock pot. Stir until everything is mixed, and then seal the slow cooker for another 24 hours. This will let all of those flavors meld into bliss. Every so often (every 6-8 hours or so) open the slow cooker and mix it with your spoon.

And this, my friends, is my kosheri sauce, version 2.0. I will still make my original sauce, but this sauce is FAR superior in every way to the first. There's something about slow cooking that makes all the difference.

Well until next time, eat well!

Bien Camino!

PS: the title of this post is a quote from my upcoming book, The Zombie's Diary, which should be out soon.

Pickles and the Undead

Sorry I've been gone so long, but one of the side effects of trying to remove the ligament from my left ankle is an inordinate amount of time to write. This would be fantastic in most cases, but it has meant I've not been keeping up with this blog like I should. I shouldn't complain too much, I have gotten that pesky third book of mine written and edited in the last few weeks, The Zombie's Diary should be on sale here soon in the Amazon Kindle store along with my other books.

But in other news, I've healed to the point that I need to be careful about re-injuring myself with short walks between 10-15 km with a light 15 kg pack (Oh, get over the metric, my favorite places to walk are on the Camino de Santiago in Spain where you measure things in those distances). Yeah, I hurt last week, but that's one of those things that I'll have to learn the hard way through pain and suffering. 

Although I have been buried in my own literature for the last couple of weeks, I have been practicing a few new recipes, one of which includes one of my favorite foods: the pickle. Oh, I love a good pickle: the traditional cucumber, the spicy and sweet onion, the very interesting potato, or the hot pepper. But for this recipe I was experimenting with an Asian influenced cucumber pickle that you can make very easily at home. This is a "quick pickle," which means that no cooking is required. They'll stay good for about a week or two in the fridge after you make them, but I wouldn't keep them much longer than that. 

Asian Spicy Pickles (aka, Crack in a Jar)

Tools:

Cutting Board

Knife

Mason Jar (or any other easy to close container, but there's something about pickles out of a mason jar that reminds me of Granny's homemade pickles)

Strainer

Spoon

Towel

Ingredients:

2 Large Cucumbers (about a foot long total)

2 tbsp salt

4 tbsp sugar (don't try to use a fake sugar, it doesn't end well)

3 tbsp seasoned rice vinegar (you don't need an expensive bottle, I found one in my local Asian market for $2.50 that tastes fantastic)

1 tbsp chili oil (my local Wally-world sells a very affordable chili oil for just over a dollar, use that if you don't want to invest in a lot of oil)

1 tbsp sesame oil

The name of the game in this recipe is cleanliness, you want to make sure since nothing is being cooked that all containers are very clean. You don't have to go out of your way to sterilize everything in boiling water, but if you are worried about food born illness, then run all of your tools through the dishwasher right before you use it. 

Most cucumbers are shipped with a thin layer of wax on the outside. Wash the cucumbers in very hot water to remove that layer of wax (which doesn't hurt you, but slows down the absorption of the brine). Dry the cucumbers off and place on the cutting board. Slice off the ends of the cucumber and then slice the cucumber in half. This will leave you two cucumbers that you can now stand on their ends. Bisect the cucumber down the middle so you see the seeds. Take your spoon and scrape out the seeds into the trashcan. 

Tip o' the day: If you don't scrape the seeds out, the pickles will get VERY soggy and won't be very good.

Place the seeded cucumbers down on the cutting board and slice the cucumber to about the size of your pinky-finger, this will leave you with cucumbers that look like the smile on a smiley face. :) Repeat with the second cucumber.

Dice and place all the ) into the strainer. Place the strainer into the sink and sprinkle the salt over the cucumbers. Mix well. Place the clean towel over the strainer and let the cucumbers drain any excess liquid for the next hour, this will allow the cucumbers to dry out slightly and suck in brine later. 

In the mason jar put all the rest of the ingredients, seal, and shake well. After the cucumbers are done draining, put them into the mason jar, seal, and shake well to cover all the pickles with the spicy brine. If you want a "hotter" pickle, just add more chili oil. Place the jar in the fridge for at least an hour, if you have a tight lid you can turn the mason jar on its side every so often to mix the ingredients. You'll notice the jar's liquid level will rise and the pickles will get smaller as they brine, this is perfectly normal and mean's you'll have a fantastic pickle.

These things are highly addictive and very cheap, so don't be surprised if you make a batch at least once a week, or eat an entire jar while watching a movie. As far as snacks go this is a very healthy alternative to a lot of the junk out there, and the tingling feeling on your lips is a happy sign that you're eating healthy. 

Bien Camino! 

For my friend.

Well about a week and a half ago I received a request from one of my friends, a certain Mr. Torok of Egyptian goon squad fame, for a steak marinade. Although I am loath to marinate good meat-I feel that a good cut of meat is flavorful and delicious if cooked properly on its own-I also realize that the bigger/faster/leaner craze in the United States have left us with some very sad cuts of meat compared to the rest of the world (there are exceptions, I like to hit the meat locker in Royal Center, IN for some FANTASTIC local beef and pork, but places like that are the exception and not the rule).

With that said, I had an excuse to create a simple steak/beef marinade that I'd love to use for pan cooking or grilling, on many different cuts of beef. I like to think that when you do marinate something, it is to help intensify the flavors of the meal you are serving and now drown it out. With that said, I made a very simple Asian-inspired marinade to soak my beef in overnight before cooking.

D's Asian-Inspired Marinade

Tools:

Cutting Board

Food Processor

Knife

Plastic Bag you will marinate the meat in

Ingredients:

A thumb sized piece of ginger with the skin peeled off.

1 cup of Blue Moon Beer (You can imagine how I instruct you to dispose of the rest of the Blue Moon)

2-3 large pieces of garlic

1/2th cup of orange juice (Whatever kind of OJ that you like, I am a pulp man personally)

If you have never worked with ginger before, peel off the outer brown skin of the ginger. Place the ginger and the garlic into the food processor and turn it into a liquid paste. After it is ground up, add the beer and orange juice into the food processor an mix it for a few seconds to clean the blades off. Add all the ingredients into the plastic bag and add your choice of beef. (Note: I used chicken as well and was VERY happy with the result). Refrigerate overnight for the best results, but give at least an hour for the flavors to mingle and for the beer to break down the meat and make a more tender cut of beef.

When I grill this, I use a medium hot heat (I can hold my hand near the grill for 3-5 seconds before I have to pull away) rubbed down with a paper towel with oil on it (you have to oil the grill or the meat can stick). Before I put the meat on, I cover both sides with salt (I love sea salt) and pepper (white pepper is nice on steaks) to taste, and then grill it until it is a happy medium/medium-rare.

I hope this is what you are looking for Mr. Torok, it was fun developing a new marinade.

Bien Camino

Note: if you don't have a food processor, it isn't the end of the world. Just chop the crap out of the garlic and ginger and then place it into the plastic bag. Then get out a very heavy rolling pin and mash the crap out of the bag as well, further releasing flavors.

Asparagus

Finally! It's that time of the year again when one of my favorite veggies is in season and I can start to gorge on it until it costs me four dollars a pound again. Yes, I am talking about that same veggie which too often has been destroyed by boiling for years, that strange green stalk with the consistency of mush when it is served out of a can.

I swear, asparagus gets a horrible reputation that it doesn't deserve, so what people have been abusing it for years and mutilating the poor veggie into baby food paste for years. We shouldn't abuse such a fantastic veggie that is very easy to prepare, but of course there are those out there that will continue to damage and abuse the reputation of this misunderstood plant based on flashbacks of your mom forcing you to eat that crappy canned variety.

To you, I say, "have heart, be brave, and get out the fire: we be grillin'."

Grilled Asparagus

Tools:

Charcoal or Gas Grill, turned on and hot (about 400 degrees-ish).

1 gallon plastic bag

grilling tongs

Ingredients

1 lb of fresh asparagus

3 tablespoons olive oil

2 tablespoons fresh minced garlic (I used jarred minced garlic to save time)

Pepper and salt to taste

This recipe is a two-day recipe, I like my asparagus to have the time to absorb some of those wonderful garlic flavors before grilling. But if you don't have time, prepare the asparagus as the grill gets warm. It'll still be delicious, just not as garlic-y.

First thing you need to do is wash the asparagus and dry it off. Then you will want to remove the bottom of the stalk of each plant, asparagus is very "tough" by the base of the plant where it comes out of the ground. There is a REALLY easy way to figure out when the asparagus is tender and to remove the bottom: grip the stalk at the end and at the middle and bend it until it breaks. As you remove the bottoms, toss the tender tops into the gallon plastic bag to get it ready.

Once all the asparagus is done, pour the olive oil, garlic, and seasoning into the bag, seal the bag, and toss it around until the stalks are covered in the oil/spice mix. You can then just plop the bag into the refrigerator overnight.

Get the grill hot the next day and cook all of your meats. Once all of your other dishes are done, place the asparagus on the grill in a single layer. Don't stack it! The olive oil will cook the asparagus quickly on the grill, so you want to keep rotating it. The asparagus is done when you get those fantastic grill lines on the top and bottom of the asparagus, this will take at most 4-6 minutes on a hot grill, a little longer on a slightly cooler grill.

The asparagus can be eaten as is, although I know some people like to abuse the poor stalks in butter once they are done. To each their own, but I think the butter really cheapens the fantastic flavors that fresh asparagus gets when grilled.

Bien Camino!

"They call me Mr. Gimp!"

Or if Easter was a clue, my family lovingly referred to me as Dr. House all afternoon long. Thanks everyone, I'll make sure to only 'partially' beat you all to death with my cane when I catch you.

But in other news, I am healing up, even if the ligament damage is REALLY annoying. Mostly cause I don't listen to what my limitation are and my cat's favorite current game is "make Daddy scream." Jerk cat, but I love him. Or contemplating how to best cook him next time he gets underfoot in the kitchen.

I am slowly getting away from the processed crap that I've been forced to call food for the last few weeks, it couldn't come sooner! Granted, I have slowly been doctoring food to my taste over the last few weeks as I could stand more, but there's something about eating a meal that you made from near scratch that makes you a very happy camper. Much like today's recipe, this is a variation of a cold pasta salad that I learned to make on the Camino de Santiago from one of my fellow peregrinos, this is more of a "eye ball it until it is right" dish. I hope you enjoy!

Pilgrim Pasta Salad

Tools:

Large pot to cook the pasta in

Strainer

Large bowl with lid for the salad

Mixing Spoon

Cutting Board

Knife

Small bowl to nuke the veggies in.

Ingredients

Three hand fulls of wheat rigatoni pasta

Good olive oil

Red wine vinegar

4-6 diced up sun dried tomatoes packed in olive oil

1 can of lima beans, drained and rinsed

1/4 cup of frozen miropoix mix(carrot, onion, and celery)

1/2 cup of frozen spinach

5 tablespoons of a good Italian spice mix (I like the one from Aldi's if you have one of those)

2 tablespoons of lemon pepper spices (see above)

1 tablespoon minced garlic or garlic powder

water

The biggest trick with pasta is getting the largest pot that you own and filling it with as much water as it can hold. The more boiling water you have, the better, because this will keep the pasta from sticking together as it cooks. You want it filled until a good inch or two from the lip of the pot. Put it on the burner and crank the heat to the highest setting. Once the water is boiling, cook the pasta for 7 to 8 minutes, and then drain it through the strainer.

While this is going on, nuke the sun dried tomatoes in the smaller bowl in 5-10 second increments until they are slightly warm. This will help release a lot of flavor into the salad. Dice them up finely and add them to your final serving bowl. The same trick can be used on fresh garlic to help release all those wonderful flavors, but you'll need to add a couple big drops of olive oil on each piece of garlic you are doing this trick on.

Once the tomatoes are in the larger bowl, nuke the rest of the veggies in 30 second increments until they thaw and cook just slightly. And by just slightly I mean they are too hot to pick up with your fingers, but not nuked to the point that you have a flashback of the war you had with your mother and those crappy, nuked until mush, green peas. If you fear a flashback like this, go eat a bar of chocolate and laugh that your an adult now who knows better.

Once the veggies are thawed and just getting hot, add them to the large mixing bowl.

This leaves the lima beans. Oh, our mortal enemy growing up. A fantastic thing about canned beans are that they are cooked when they are being packed, so unless they have meat product in them (like pork and beans), they can be eaten right out of the can. Drain the beans in the strainer and rinse them until all the can goo is gone, adding them into the mixing bowl.

Finally the pasta should be just about done, drain the pasta and add it into the mixing bowl.

Here comes the seasoning, add all the dried seasoning to the pasta and then you'll want to add olive oil and vinegar in a 3 to 1 ratio (three parts oil to one of vinegar) in SMALL increments. You don't want to drown the salad in dressing! As you pour in both ingredients, mix the salad with your spoon, coating everything in that olive oil/vinegar/spice mix. At the very most I tend to use only a quarter to a third of a cup of oil/vinegar mix on this salad, and that's when I make a slightly bigger batch.

And now you have a delicious salad that is good for you and tastes fantastic as is, but the trick to get all the flavors to blend is covering the bowl up and plopping it in the refrigerator for two or three hours so all the flavors can mix.

And with that you have a dish perfect for a meal or to take to a large family pot-luck. It is cheap, economical, and best of all, really filling.

Bien Camino!

Break a leg

Or more accurately, crash your bike in a way so not to get killed by a jerk in a truck blowing through the stop sign. For the last week I have been healing from deciding how badly I wanted to get mauled in a confrontation on my bicycle against a Ford truck. Needless to say, in the second I had to decide I opted for the less painful of the two options.

In other words, I decided to wuss out.

Not that it did me any good. I trashed my rear tire on the bike-I braked so hard and in such a tight circle that I popped it-and now sporting a wonderful air cast on my left ankle for the next month due to ligament damage. Or in layman's terms: owwie!!!!

Other than that I'm doing alright considering my fastest speed is 1/10th mph. And for those who know me in person, this is unacceptable and slowly driving me insane. Granted, I do have a fantastic cane at this point which doubles as a handy bludgeon for any snot-nosed kids who get in my way. For some reason they forget I have an extra three foot of smacking range now. . .

I would never beat a child who didn't deserve it. Good thing my limits on "deserve it" are set to the minimum level.

And to the parents who think its cute to let your little monster loose in the store, don't blame the guy on the crutches/cane who can't stop on a dime when your hellion runs around the corner and I fall on them. I don't care if they are 'adventuresome seven-year old kids,' I'm going to go down when only supported by one foot and little pieces of metal; and don't whine about if they are alright because I was kind and didn't fall on them. I should have, but didn't.

The absolute worst this week, sans the kitty deciding it is a hilarious game to wake his daddy every hour by crashing into his foot-including a great deal of language I won't repeat in the blog-is the fact that standing for long periods of time to cook was totally out of the question. As in I was lucky for the first three days I fed myself anywhere but over the sink. Or sandwiches.

So this week has resulted in nadda in the world of international cuisine from your's truly, and I apologize. But I am writing out some recipes to experiment with for when I can hopefully stand more next week. Until then, watch out for jerks who don't stop at stop signs.

Bien Camino!

Home, Home on da' Range...

Ok, so the only Western that I really like is Tombstone, but lets face it, how awesome is Doc Holiday? Only reason to watch that movie (and I can pull off the accent for a few days after watching it, which makes the ladies smile a lot). Needless to say, I've been at home-as in home-home, aka the parents-the last few days due to vehicular problems, nothing a lot of cussing and foul language couldn't solve until it got sent to the repair shop. But I'm back, well at least until the damn thing breaks down again.

In other news, I haven't forgotten my recipe challenge with our porky friend, so lets get to it!!!!

Leftover Pork Tacos

Tools:

Cast Iron Skillet

Metal Spatula

Cutting Board

Knife

Ingredients:

1 cup of pulled pork

1 large onion sliced thin

1 jalapeno diced thinly

1 bell pepper, diced thinly as well

shredded cabbage or lettuce

shredded cheese (I love the white cheeses for this)

diced tomatoes

1 package of warmed corn tortillas (I get a second pan out for this and dry cook them individually over low heat in a dry-no oil-pan until they brown)

Taco Sauce of your choice

Oil to coat the cast iron with

In the cast iron add enough oil that you can coat the pan in a THIN layer. You aren't frying ANYTHING in this recipe, but the cast iron needs some lubricant or the food will stick to it. If you can't guess how much oil you need, get a paper towel out and pour some oil on the towel, then rub it all over the pan. Heat the cast iron on medium heat until warm, then add the onions and peppers to the bottom of the pan. Cook and stir occasionally until they start to brown. Take the shredded pork and top the onions with this, stirring constantly until the pork is warm.

From this point you can probably guess how to finishing making dinner. Add the warmed stuff to the tortillas cover in a some taco sauce, and then add cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce.

And with that you have dinner!

Well that was it for my pork experiment, I went and ran out of pork after this recipe, but I ate for a good week and then some off of a four pound chunk of pork (lunch and dinner at least, breakfast I try to eat some oatmeal with some of Granny's homemade jelly to sweeten it up). The next week's challenge, how to abuse 20 lbs worth of chicken drumsticks. Muahahahahah. (ok, I won't just do that, but I have some recipes I REALLY wanna try!)

Until then: Bien Camino!

Sunny days, takin' the clouds away. . .

. . . take me back to where the air is sweet; can you tell me how to get, how to get to porky tastiness!

Seriously, seventy-nine degrees, sunny, beautiful weather, with a strong southern breeze (think Chicago style breeze, just several hours south of there) and far too much espresso (like four shots too much). Only thing better would have been biking to the cathedral of coffee goodness today, but I had to drive the old man to his daily "I shouldn't have smoked for 58 years" appointment.

With that said, the first day of Purdue's spring break fills me with a warm funny feeling. I'm 99% sure it isn't a heart attack, but you never know with how much espresso I drink. Well before I fall dead at the keyboard, I'll give you today's suggestion for the piggy goodness that is my experiment in pulled pork.

Warm Pulled Pork Pasta

Tools:

Large pot

Bowl able to hold everything

Cutting Board

Knife

Strainer

Large mixing spoon

Ingredients:

1 cup of pulled pork

2 cups dried rotini pasta (I love the wheat pasta and it is REALLY good for you)

1/3rd cup dried lentils

Water for the large pot

Green bell pepper (diced finely)

1 bunch of green onions, greens and whites diced finely

1 cup of diced tomatoes (either roma or cherry tomatoes cut in half)

1 small can drained black olives, diced and drained

1/2 cup of good olive oil

1/3 cup of red wine vinegar

2 tbsp parsley flakes

1 tbsp oregano flakes

dash of garlic powder

dash of black pepper

1 tsp red pepper flakes (cause you gotta have a slight bite)

Ok, as you can guess, this is another one of my wonderful one bowl recipes that I tend to be proud of. In the large pot, add water and lentils and bring it to a boil. Wait ten to thirteen minutes and then add the rotini to the water (I like rotini's shape for holding onto the dressing that we are going to make for this warm pasta salad) Cook until the pasta is just about done, and then drain the pasta and lentils in the strainer in the sink.

While all of this is cooking, chop up any veggies that need to be chopped, adding them into the big bowl. Take all the ingredients left on the list and mix them well in the large bowl. Once the pasta and lentils are drained, add it directly into the large mixing bowl while still warm. Mix it all together and you have a TASTY pasta salad dinner. Enjoy!

With that, I'm off to soak up some more sunshine before the sun sets. Until next time!

Bien Camino!

Liquid Lunch

Lunch is a fantastic meal of the day, even if it doesn't involve food for the first two hours. Needless to say, I haven't done this in far too long and I'm finding it very relaxing that drinking coffee on a very warm day to hydrate from my lunch. That and drinking with smart people can be a blast! (And for all of you under-aged individuals out there not of legal age reading this, I don't condone misbehaving and do your parents know you are reading this sort of subversive dribble?)

I would like to point out that no one was harmed in the making of my lunch today, and I was a good boy, and that I have another piggy recipe for you out there.

Drum roll please.

I'm waiting. . .

You can do it.

No one will think you are strange, just do it!

I don't care you're in public. Make sure to share this site!

Better! It took you long enough!

Pulled Pork Potato Patties

Tools:

Cutting Board

Mixing Bowl (large enough for all the ingredients)

Knife

Measuring Cup

Wooden Spoon

Non-stick skillet

plastic wrap (or lid for the mixing bowl)

Spatula

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of pulled pork

2 cups of instant mashed potatoes (made as per the recipe on the box)

1/2 bunch of green onions, chopped up finely

4 cloves of garlic, diced

pepper

1 egg

Non-stick spray

2 tbsp of butter

1 tbsp parsley flakes

1 tsp sea salt (I like the flavor better than normal salt)

Make the mashed potatoes as per the recipe on the box. Once the potatoes are cooked, mix in all the other ingredients in the large bowl with the taters. You will want to use a wooden spoon rather than a plastic one, I've snapped more than one plastic spoon making this. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator to cool for an hour or two.

When the mix is cool enough to work with your hands, put the non-stick skillet on the stove over medium heat, adding a liberal dose of non-stick spray. This is important, non-stick cook-wear ONLY works if there is an oil or spray between the food and pan. Over time if you don't use a good non-stick spray or oil, you will ruin your pan.

Get the bowl out and take the lid off. This is the fun part (which you can do before you start cooking). Spray your hands with the non-stick spray and you are going to make 'snowballs' out of the tater mix (you don't HAVE to spray your hands, but it makes life easier when dealing with the taters). When you make them, you want the balls to fit nicely in your hands if they are held together, but not so large that they can't be easily held. Think 2 inch balls of 'taters for reference. Once you have a ball made, smoosh it flat (yes, smoosh is a technical word, get over it) in the palms of your hands until it is 1/3rd of an inch thick.

Place the tater patty on the warm skillet and listen to it sizzle on the skillet. Let it sit there for 4-5 minutes until you have a brown crust start to form. Lift up the edge slightly on each patty before you flip to see if it is browning, if not, leave it alone until it does! Flip the patty with the spatula only once to the other side and let cook until it is brown. Remove from the heat and serve warm with ketchup, warmed pasta sauce, or even white sausage gravy.

I love doing this with left over taters from dinner the previous evening, it is a great way to use up leftovers that you might have. Feel free to use any other kind of meat for this, but make sure that it is diced finely and precooked before you add it to the patties.

Well until the next time, enjoy the fantastic weather if you have it and the rest of your weekend.

Bien Camino!