Flaming Viking Ships of DOOM!

"I swear officer, it isn't what you think it is!"

Oi! What am I thinking about not posting for several weeks! I can't believe it's been this long! Alright, I guess I can believe it's been this long, it has been in obscene couple of weeks for the sarcastically inclined among us. First off I'm still elbow deep in repairing the damage from the burst pipe in the wall. If you've ever worked with drywall, you know two things strait off the bat: 1) no matter how hard you work to keep the drywall dust from spreading, it WILL invest every orifice, and 2) walking into the coffee shop with white powder on your nose makes the cops VERY suspicious to what you've been sticking your nose into.

"Yes, I'd like a little off the top. . .wait, you aren't my normal barber!"

Granted, if my fun stopped there you'd all be concerned. Oh no, we can't just end the week with repairs yet to be completed, we need to add more fun into the mix. Like my car deciding to commit seppuku via transmission while going 70 mph. NOT a fun way to spend my Sunday afternoon when you show up 3.5 hour late to a dinner with family from out of town.


Even less fun when you can't run away and you can't piss anyone off by being truthful.

Well it wouldn't have been so bad with the Grey Devil (my lovely '92 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra SL), if it was only the hose we thought had just rotted through. Unfortunately as the mechanic explained to me, what was left of the dust that my transmission became could have fit into the low cut socks I was wearing that day. It was trashed. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars!

Seriously, there was going to be no collection of money unless I shelled out $1,900 for a new transmission  which wasn't going to happen on a twenty year old car, no matter how much I loved driving nearly a ton worth of steel.

I call BS that I couldn't give my car the funeral it deserved.
I also call shenanigans that I didn't get to do this to people
who deserve it.

So with a sad heart I had to give my car a final farewell. UNFORTUNATELY my family didn't like the idea of giving the Grey Devil a viking funeral. I was only going to load it onto my parents' old speed boat, the Titanic II, tie up my enemies, douse it in fuel, push it into the nearby pond in the farm field behind my parents' home, light it up with a road flare, and sit on shore drinking beers. But NOOOOOO, I'm not allowed to play with that much fire.

Or burn my parents' boat.

And they didn't want to know why I had a list. . .

Or why I had a viking helmet at home.

But that's beyond the point! That, and like the fez, cheesy viking helmets are cool! By Thor, cheesy viking helmets are the next fashion accessory must have of the fall season! You don't like how someone is looking at your arse? Well impale them on your helm!

With that said, I'm several weeks behind on a slew of projects, including sleep and editing the newest book. Did I mention after I broke down I was stuck at mi mama y papa's casa? Oh yes, yes I was. Without any of my research, files, etc. Heck, I had to break down and buy new clothing, medication, and bathroom supplies since I was well over a hundred miles away from my home. I might enjoy hiking for weeks on end with a backpack, but that's a planned level of grunge that I expected to live with, not the trapped in suburbia/country without even a pair of clean socks.

Well I am a proud owner of a 2005 Malibu which I've lovingly named Barbie, made it back home, and all in all wonder how the hell I'm going to get back on track after all of this fun! Oh wait, by not sleeping!

Ok, and the real reason most of you show up, food time. Well since I was gone for so long I haven't gotten to play with many recipes, so I'm going to go back to a time honored recipe that EVERYONE should know how to make on these chilly Autumn days.

Ham and Bean Soup

Tools:
4-5 Quart Slowcooker
Spoon
Measuring Cup
Knife and Cutting Board

Ingredients:
1 lb bag of dried navy beans
1 lb of diced up ham or 1.5 lbs of smoked ham hocks.
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon salt
Water

1 large onion, diced
3 stalks of celery, diced
3 carrots, diced
-or-
10 ounce bag of pre-cut, frozen mireqoix

As a classic Autumn dish, you can't get much better than a classic pot of slow cooked ham and bean soup. I'll make this soup the evening before I want it, and then before I leave for work the next morning I'll turn the crockpot onto low, and leave it alone all day long.

How easy is this dish? Take all of the ingredients, and put them into the pot. Add water until about an inch from the top of the crockpot. Cover, and leave it alone. That's it! The most complicated part of this entire meal is making the cornbread (which I consider essential to any bowl of ham and bean soup), and I honestly just make it from a box of instant mix. You can also top the soup with a variety of ingredients, including diced onions, oyster crackers, and hot sauce; those are the most common toppings from my experience, although I'm sure every family has their own variation.

Well I've played long enough online, I should get back to work. Until next time!

Bien Camino!