Break a leg

Or more accurately, crash your bike in a way so not to get killed by a jerk in a truck blowing through the stop sign. For the last week I have been healing from deciding how badly I wanted to get mauled in a confrontation on my bicycle against a Ford truck. Needless to say, in the second I had to decide I opted for the less painful of the two options.

In other words, I decided to wuss out.

Not that it did me any good. I trashed my rear tire on the bike-I braked so hard and in such a tight circle that I popped it-and now sporting a wonderful air cast on my left ankle for the next month due to ligament damage. Or in layman's terms: owwie!!!!

Other than that I'm doing alright considering my fastest speed is 1/10th mph. And for those who know me in person, this is unacceptable and slowly driving me insane. Granted, I do have a fantastic cane at this point which doubles as a handy bludgeon for any snot-nosed kids who get in my way. For some reason they forget I have an extra three foot of smacking range now. . .

I would never beat a child who didn't deserve it. Good thing my limits on "deserve it" are set to the minimum level.

And to the parents who think its cute to let your little monster loose in the store, don't blame the guy on the crutches/cane who can't stop on a dime when your hellion runs around the corner and I fall on them. I don't care if they are 'adventuresome seven-year old kids,' I'm going to go down when only supported by one foot and little pieces of metal; and don't whine about if they are alright because I was kind and didn't fall on them. I should have, but didn't.

The absolute worst this week, sans the kitty deciding it is a hilarious game to wake his daddy every hour by crashing into his foot-including a great deal of language I won't repeat in the blog-is the fact that standing for long periods of time to cook was totally out of the question. As in I was lucky for the first three days I fed myself anywhere but over the sink. Or sandwiches.

So this week has resulted in nadda in the world of international cuisine from your's truly, and I apologize. But I am writing out some recipes to experiment with for when I can hopefully stand more next week. Until then, watch out for jerks who don't stop at stop signs.

Bien Camino!

Home, Home on da' Range...

Ok, so the only Western that I really like is Tombstone, but lets face it, how awesome is Doc Holiday? Only reason to watch that movie (and I can pull off the accent for a few days after watching it, which makes the ladies smile a lot). Needless to say, I've been at home-as in home-home, aka the parents-the last few days due to vehicular problems, nothing a lot of cussing and foul language couldn't solve until it got sent to the repair shop. But I'm back, well at least until the damn thing breaks down again.

In other news, I haven't forgotten my recipe challenge with our porky friend, so lets get to it!!!!

Leftover Pork Tacos

Tools:

Cast Iron Skillet

Metal Spatula

Cutting Board

Knife

Ingredients:

1 cup of pulled pork

1 large onion sliced thin

1 jalapeno diced thinly

1 bell pepper, diced thinly as well

shredded cabbage or lettuce

shredded cheese (I love the white cheeses for this)

diced tomatoes

1 package of warmed corn tortillas (I get a second pan out for this and dry cook them individually over low heat in a dry-no oil-pan until they brown)

Taco Sauce of your choice

Oil to coat the cast iron with

In the cast iron add enough oil that you can coat the pan in a THIN layer. You aren't frying ANYTHING in this recipe, but the cast iron needs some lubricant or the food will stick to it. If you can't guess how much oil you need, get a paper towel out and pour some oil on the towel, then rub it all over the pan. Heat the cast iron on medium heat until warm, then add the onions and peppers to the bottom of the pan. Cook and stir occasionally until they start to brown. Take the shredded pork and top the onions with this, stirring constantly until the pork is warm.

From this point you can probably guess how to finishing making dinner. Add the warmed stuff to the tortillas cover in a some taco sauce, and then add cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce.

And with that you have dinner!

Well that was it for my pork experiment, I went and ran out of pork after this recipe, but I ate for a good week and then some off of a four pound chunk of pork (lunch and dinner at least, breakfast I try to eat some oatmeal with some of Granny's homemade jelly to sweeten it up). The next week's challenge, how to abuse 20 lbs worth of chicken drumsticks. Muahahahahah. (ok, I won't just do that, but I have some recipes I REALLY wanna try!)

Until then: Bien Camino!

Sunny days, takin' the clouds away. . .

. . . take me back to where the air is sweet; can you tell me how to get, how to get to porky tastiness!

Seriously, seventy-nine degrees, sunny, beautiful weather, with a strong southern breeze (think Chicago style breeze, just several hours south of there) and far too much espresso (like four shots too much). Only thing better would have been biking to the cathedral of coffee goodness today, but I had to drive the old man to his daily "I shouldn't have smoked for 58 years" appointment.

With that said, the first day of Purdue's spring break fills me with a warm funny feeling. I'm 99% sure it isn't a heart attack, but you never know with how much espresso I drink. Well before I fall dead at the keyboard, I'll give you today's suggestion for the piggy goodness that is my experiment in pulled pork.

Warm Pulled Pork Pasta

Tools:

Large pot

Bowl able to hold everything

Cutting Board

Knife

Strainer

Large mixing spoon

Ingredients:

1 cup of pulled pork

2 cups dried rotini pasta (I love the wheat pasta and it is REALLY good for you)

1/3rd cup dried lentils

Water for the large pot

Green bell pepper (diced finely)

1 bunch of green onions, greens and whites diced finely

1 cup of diced tomatoes (either roma or cherry tomatoes cut in half)

1 small can drained black olives, diced and drained

1/2 cup of good olive oil

1/3 cup of red wine vinegar

2 tbsp parsley flakes

1 tbsp oregano flakes

dash of garlic powder

dash of black pepper

1 tsp red pepper flakes (cause you gotta have a slight bite)

Ok, as you can guess, this is another one of my wonderful one bowl recipes that I tend to be proud of. In the large pot, add water and lentils and bring it to a boil. Wait ten to thirteen minutes and then add the rotini to the water (I like rotini's shape for holding onto the dressing that we are going to make for this warm pasta salad) Cook until the pasta is just about done, and then drain the pasta and lentils in the strainer in the sink.

While all of this is cooking, chop up any veggies that need to be chopped, adding them into the big bowl. Take all the ingredients left on the list and mix them well in the large bowl. Once the pasta and lentils are drained, add it directly into the large mixing bowl while still warm. Mix it all together and you have a TASTY pasta salad dinner. Enjoy!

With that, I'm off to soak up some more sunshine before the sun sets. Until next time!

Bien Camino!

Liquid Lunch

Lunch is a fantastic meal of the day, even if it doesn't involve food for the first two hours. Needless to say, I haven't done this in far too long and I'm finding it very relaxing that drinking coffee on a very warm day to hydrate from my lunch. That and drinking with smart people can be a blast! (And for all of you under-aged individuals out there not of legal age reading this, I don't condone misbehaving and do your parents know you are reading this sort of subversive dribble?)

I would like to point out that no one was harmed in the making of my lunch today, and I was a good boy, and that I have another piggy recipe for you out there.

Drum roll please.

I'm waiting. . .

You can do it.

No one will think you are strange, just do it!

I don't care you're in public. Make sure to share this site!

Better! It took you long enough!

Pulled Pork Potato Patties

Tools:

Cutting Board

Mixing Bowl (large enough for all the ingredients)

Knife

Measuring Cup

Wooden Spoon

Non-stick skillet

plastic wrap (or lid for the mixing bowl)

Spatula

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of pulled pork

2 cups of instant mashed potatoes (made as per the recipe on the box)

1/2 bunch of green onions, chopped up finely

4 cloves of garlic, diced

pepper

1 egg

Non-stick spray

2 tbsp of butter

1 tbsp parsley flakes

1 tsp sea salt (I like the flavor better than normal salt)

Make the mashed potatoes as per the recipe on the box. Once the potatoes are cooked, mix in all the other ingredients in the large bowl with the taters. You will want to use a wooden spoon rather than a plastic one, I've snapped more than one plastic spoon making this. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator to cool for an hour or two.

When the mix is cool enough to work with your hands, put the non-stick skillet on the stove over medium heat, adding a liberal dose of non-stick spray. This is important, non-stick cook-wear ONLY works if there is an oil or spray between the food and pan. Over time if you don't use a good non-stick spray or oil, you will ruin your pan.

Get the bowl out and take the lid off. This is the fun part (which you can do before you start cooking). Spray your hands with the non-stick spray and you are going to make 'snowballs' out of the tater mix (you don't HAVE to spray your hands, but it makes life easier when dealing with the taters). When you make them, you want the balls to fit nicely in your hands if they are held together, but not so large that they can't be easily held. Think 2 inch balls of 'taters for reference. Once you have a ball made, smoosh it flat (yes, smoosh is a technical word, get over it) in the palms of your hands until it is 1/3rd of an inch thick.

Place the tater patty on the warm skillet and listen to it sizzle on the skillet. Let it sit there for 4-5 minutes until you have a brown crust start to form. Lift up the edge slightly on each patty before you flip to see if it is browning, if not, leave it alone until it does! Flip the patty with the spatula only once to the other side and let cook until it is brown. Remove from the heat and serve warm with ketchup, warmed pasta sauce, or even white sausage gravy.

I love doing this with left over taters from dinner the previous evening, it is a great way to use up leftovers that you might have. Feel free to use any other kind of meat for this, but make sure that it is diced finely and precooked before you add it to the patties.

Well until the next time, enjoy the fantastic weather if you have it and the rest of your weekend.

Bien Camino!

Brain, I will poke you with a flaming q-tip!!!!

Alright, after a wonderful day of *BLEEP*, I am yet again safe in the safety of the internet. Oh, safe, sarcastic internet. If I didn't have you protecting me I might do something productive, like run for an hour. Read a book. Break out the NES and beat the crap outta a giant, fire breathing, shelled, lizard-king. Those sorts of highly productive things.

Or I could cook.

Wait, this is something I like!

So I present to you the second recipe from my experiment on slow roasting a piggy:

Pulled Piggy Sandwich (2 sandwiches to be exact)

Tools:

knife

cutting board

flat skillet (I like non-stick for this)

plate

spatula

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of pulled pork (chilled)

1 small onion, sliced thin

2 roma tomatoes, sliced

spicy pickles (I discovered a pickle from FrogFarm which is AWESOME for this. It will clean your sinuses out! But if you don't like spicy, I guess normal pickles will do. . .wuss.)

1/2 cup of sliced cabbage (coleslaw mix)

non-stick cooking spray

loaf of a thick, crusty bread that you can slice into sandwich size meals (I use half a loaf of french bread for this from my local supermercado)

deli-style mustard (My favorite is Plochman's Mustard which has a slight bite, but compliments all the tastiness in the sandwich rather than taking over)

Overall this is really easy to make. Take the sliced onions and place into the bottom of the skillet hosed down in non-stick spray set to medium-low heat. While that is cooking, slice the bread into acceptable sandwich sizes and layer on the pickles, tomatoes, and cabbage onto the bottom slice of the sandwich (a good crusty bread won't get soggy when you do this).

After the onions start to take on a wonderful golden color, add in the pulled pork to heat it up and add just a little bit more flavor. Once the pork is warm, spread the onion/pork yumminess (one of the most accurate scientific words in my vocabulary) evenly onto the bread. Add mustard to taste and put the top slice of bread back on.

Now here is the strangest tip ever. Walk away.

Wait, what?

Seriously, walk away from the sandwich for five minutes. This will let all the flavors of the sandwich start to mix together, which is exactly what you want. You can even wrap the sandwich in plastic wrap for later if you use a crusty enough bread, it shouldn't get soggy if you choose wisely (and really, experiment, because depending on where you live you can have entirely different bread styles which can modify how this tastes. Experiment = better food = happy belly.) After that I'd suggest eating over the sink for easy clean up as you enjoy the rewards for your effort.

And until the next pork-related recipe:

Bien Camino!!!!!

Sleep, I don't need no stinking sleep!

Coffee.....

I might be living on it more than I should, but you have to do what you have to do. I also won't mention the VERY dirty look I got from the nurse yesterday when she heard I'm going off of two hours of sleep. Bah! Sleep! Who needs it when you have caffeine replacing food. . .

Ok, I want SLEEP! But "oh well," I'll get over it soon. (or die of a caffeine induced heart attack)

As I promised, today is the second installment of the Experiment: Spanish Rice

Porky Spanish Rice (ok, so not exactly spanish rice, but still GOOD)

Tools:

Pot with a heavy lid

Cutting Board

Knife

Spoon

Ingredients:

1 cup of loosely shredded pork (from yesterday)

1 cup of dry rice

1 packet of taco seasoning

1 large onion, diced up

2 fresh jalapenos, diced up

1 green bell pepper, diced up

1.5 cups of high quality H2O

Get out the cutting board, the knife, and pretend that you are part of the movie Psycho. After everything is cut up ("no mommy, I didn't do it!"), drop it into the pot, followed with the rice, taco seasoning, and high quality H2O. Mix it all together so all the flavors are mixed together. Put the lid onto the pot and turn the heat onto low-medium (or the lowest flame possible for you silly gas stove cookers). Once you get it to a constant boil, turn off the heat, and let it continue cooking for about 20 minutes. Open up the pot and fluff all the rice with a fork. Serve with tortilla chips, queso (CHEESE!), and salsa.

Bien Camino!

Challenge

Ok, last week I decided to challenge myself with a simple task: with a four pound (1.5 kilo) hunk of tasty pork, how can I cook this so I have a fantastic week of piggy goodness? The first thing I decided was for simplicity sake I was going to slow cook that sucker into tasty pulled pork goodness, and then every few days create a new dish with said TASTY piggy. I would like to think that a week later I have succeeded, and my belly is all sorts of happy for it.

But first thing is first, time to teach you how to slow cook that little tasty bit of goodness into pulled pork!

Naughty Slow Cooker Pulled Pork

Tools:

2-3 quart slow cooker

2 forks

Ingredients:

4 lb chunk of pork (a little fat on one side won't hurt either)(some supermercados will call this a "roast")

3 tbsp of white vinegar (this will tenderize the meat while it cooks, trust me, you won't taste it when you are done)

And at this point you look at it and go, "really? Is that it?"

YES!!!!!!!!!!

Take the piggy out of whatever packaging that it comes from. Look at it longingly. Bat your eyes at it coyly. Say naughty things to it, because it is a sinful piece of meat that you are going to do very bad things with. Promise you'll be gentle, but secretly you are a lying monster.

Now that I'm past that bit of smart-arseness, throw that slab of pork goodness into the slow cooker with the vinegar, toss the lid on, and set that machine to low. Then leave it alone for the next 24-30 hours. When you return the pork will be cooked all the way through and bubbling in its own naughty juices. This is where the fat on one side of the piggy comes in handy, it'll melt into fantastic juice that will tenderize the meat. Pull it apart with the two forks to "shred it."

And with that you have the base of my week in piggy heaven. Tomorrow: Piggy Spanish Rice. :)

Bien Camino!