Yellow Chili

No, I'm not talking about a new kind of chili made from an exotic fruit, I'm talking about chili that I might have 'accidentally' put too many habanero peppers into this last weekend. Like twenty-five or more. Yes, I am a sadistic monster most days, and the fire is good and will warm you up on a cold autumn day.

So after hiding all weekend I have come to several large and important conclusions about life. First is that you can put too many hot peppers into a pot of chili. Second is that you don't care after burning off your taste buds with the first spoonful. And most importantly, if you like the people you hang out with, don't do that to them.

And for the love of all that is holy or unholy in this world, STOP ADDING PEPPERS WHEN YOUR LATEX GLOVES MELT!

With that, to the recipe!

Yellow Chili (aka, sadist chili)

Tools:

Knife

Cutting Board

The BIG Pot with lid

A big bowl

Strainer

latex gloves (if you don't cut a lot of hot peppers, trust me!)

Spoon (not white plastic, because it won't be white when you are done)

Ingredients:

1 cup of dried red kidney beans (or one can of 'not as good' beans, and rinse them clean)

1 cup of dried pinto beans (see above for comment)

1/2 cup of dried red bean (or red kidney beans, it is a slight texture and taste variation here, not life or death)

1.5 lb of ground beef

2 bottles of a beer you like to drink (I use a Guinness)

4-5 habaneros (or 25+ if you are a sadist) chopped

2 large onions, chopped

1 10 oz. bag of frozen chopped green peppers (or one large green pepper, but I'm lazy and they usually cost the same)

1 can of corn (drained and rinsed of whatever preservatives it was soaking in)

1 head of garlic

2 cups of tomato sauce (unseasoned)

1 can of chopped tomato or 1 large chopped fresh tomato

chili seasoning*

*Chili seasoning recipe

Alright peeps, lets get this strait, the pre-made, packaged packets of chili seasoning are an abomination to food. I don't use the word abomination lightly either since I study history and some real monsters. This is one of them, a silent killer of food, and you should make your own. It is easy, I usually make about 3-4 baggies of this at a time and store them with my spices in the dark until I need them. Follow the recipe below:

2 tbsp All-purpose flour (thickener)

2 tsp sugar

1 tbsp garlic powder

1 tbsp onion powder

1 tbsp ground red pepper

2-4 tsp of cumin (I like cumin, but use 2 tsp at the least)

1 tsp basil

2 tbsp black pepper

4 tsp chili powder (go to your local hispanic market and get it from them. It will be 100% better than what you get from the mass produced spice rack at the mega-mart)

The Path to Pain:

Ok, get the beans and put them all into the big bowl, and fill with water the night before. What? We are making chili here and you have to put some real work into it. That and dried beans in my opinion are far tastier than the ones in the cans because they will soak up even more flavor as you cook them.

The next day when you wake up, walk into the kitchen and put the pot on the burner set on medium, get the pot hot. Spray with your favorite cooking spray of choice so the meat won't stick (I use olive oil), let it get warm, and toss the beef in. As the beef begins to brown, get out the knife and board, put on your gloves, and chop up the peppers, onions, garlic, tomato, etc. If it can be chopped, chop it. The latex gloves will help you keep the habanero juice off of your hands while you cook, otherwise you might make a stupid mistake like I did one of rubbing a tear out of your eye. Second dumbest mistake that I've ever done with the peppers. The first makes me cross my legs and cringe thinking about where I accidentally got the oils.

WASH YOUR HANDS IN HOT WATER AND SOAP! Lets face it, the hot pepper oil is an evil thing, but a required thing.

Brown the meat until it is almost done, then add in the onions, peppers, garlic, and begin to mix them into the meat, turning slowly. Lower the heat, at this point you are going to sweat the veggies a bit. This means that they will slow cook in the oils in the pan, getting softer and releasing their great flavors into the chili.

While doing this, drain the water from the beans, they should be plump but hard right now, meaning they only have to be cooked. Toss them into the pot once the veggies begin to get slightly translucent (look like they might be melting). At this point you will get out the beer. Open up both beers and pour the first into the chili. Once this is accomplished take the other beer and shove it into your own pie-hole and drink it. What's your point that it is 7 am and your drinking. This is chili, not rocket science.

Add your spices, and everything else that hasn't been looked at since you opened it. Add some high quality tap water if the liquid doesn't cover all the ingredients yet, or if you are feeling saucy, more beer. Mix it well, turn on low, put the lid on, and walk away for at least 3 hours, checking every 30 minutes to an hour. This is the bare minimum it should cook, a good chili only gets better the longer you cook it. I will put a pot onto the stove at 7 am that I don't intend to eat until twelve hours later, the longer a good chili cooks, the better it will become.

When you are ready to serve your chili you can have the basic condiments, including shredded sharp cheddar, sour cream, saltine crackers, or even Tabasco flavored cheese nips. Did I mention I'm a monster yet? The one thing I will never do to my chili is subject it to the abomination of pasta.

Don't get me wrong, I like pasta. But not in my chili! Its like giving a ten year old with ADHD 4 Cinnabons, a two liter of Mountain Dew, a hammer, and let him improve upon the statue David; the chili isn't the same and you have corrupted it to the point it is worthless.

Well I have another bowl to go eat, so until next time.

Bien Camino